Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
