I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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