you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
