don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
