if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just high enough for therapy.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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