I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
