Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
