I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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