Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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