i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
