you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We had to coat check the pizza.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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