How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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