if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
