I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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