He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
