The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
