I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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