I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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