today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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