And the cops told us we were all naked.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
