Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
