On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
