Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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