he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
