Where did you get a picture of my penis
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
