apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
