when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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