My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
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