alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
