Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
