im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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