my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
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I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
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I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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