I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
