mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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