Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
