Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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