My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
