sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
