i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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