I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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