I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
