Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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