Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We left an ass print on the piano.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
