I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
