Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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