i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
