I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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