Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
