I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
