so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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