he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
