I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
