I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We left the knife in your bed.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
