Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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