Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
