my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
