Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
