just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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