watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
