Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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