Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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